Saturday, June 11, 2005

Modern Love

Spam Observations #9

Today, Maude Glenn wrote to me with Exciting News. Allow me to share it with you:
From: Maude Glenn
Subject: I Found Them!

At last I can have sex!

I have found an amazing site. Since I have been a member, I have been getting laid three times a week. You don't have to use a credit card, and don't have to pay a penny.
(And why not I say! Go Maude. You rock sister!)
There are so many guys and girls there it's unreal... must be the free membership! There's single people, married people, and people looking for quiet sex "on the side"
(Sure, that sounds fair enough.)
The last time I checked, they had 1.5 million free members, most of them are getting together regually with someone like you!
(Gee, er, OK... I don't know if I have that many condoms... especially if it's going to be a regualar thing...)
You can choose what you want too... from erotic email and cyber-fun to voyeurism, discrete relationships, casual sex or lonely hearts looking for love!
(Oh, OK. Maybe just erotic email then. Still, that's a lot of typing...)
Its all set up for Men, women, couples and groups... Just key in how many of you that there are, choose what you want, and they get you together for some fun!
(Er... there's only one of me. I don't think we want to be adding to the numbers any further. Do they do rsvp's or something? I'd kind of like to get some idea how many will be coming over, you know, for the catering and all.)
I have had sex six times this week with 3 different girls.
(Oh, wait. Oh, I see. Sorry Maude, I didn't realise you swung that way. My bad. Um, is this email meant for me? I'm a bloke you know.)
Before I could barely manage once a month, and the cost of the drinks and meals was simply too much!
(I know, tell me about it. Is that the pits or what? All you want is a root and you have to take these women out to dinner, make conversation, get them drunk, yadda yadda yadda. Your new scheme seems so much easier. And you know Maude, speaking from a man's point of view, it's nice to hear that it's the same for you girls, all that mucking around with unecessary food & drink. I'm really glad you got in contact. Maybe we should hook up for a few laughs. I bet you've got some stories to tell! Of course, we would each pay for our own drinks, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea... Well, unless, you're interested in boys too... I mean, I don't mind or anything...)
I've been getting laid all month for free!

See you at the party! Meet everyone here!

See ya later
Charlie Alexandre Ferreira
(Hey! What the...? Maude? Are you having a lend of me? What is this Charlie business? We were getting along so well and then you go and pull some cyber Crying Game number on me. Darn, now I'm all confused. I suppose the clues were there from the start: Maude Glenn. As in Glen or Glenda? right? And that subject line I Found Them! Yeah, now I know what you're talking about. How far would you have let me get before I found them, eh Maude?

My mother always said this email business would get to get me into trouble. I should have stuck with cheap piano bars.)

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