Suspected Fowl Play

In my collection of newspaper clippings I have this small snippet from a couple of years back:

Just Do What the Chicken Says

Police are hunting a robber who held up a shop at gunpoint dressed as a giant chicken. The wanted man walked into the grocery store in Columbus, Ohio, in the yellow costume and demanded cash from the safe.

“We have guys with fake moustaches now and again but never anything like this,” a Columbus police spokesman said. “The person obviously has some kind of access to a chicken suit, or possibly even owns a chicken suit,” he told local television. “So if you know of someone, please call the robbery squad.”

The man fled on his giant orange feet but was not pursued. He faces several charges, including robbery, aggravated menacing and intimidation.

There are several points of interest here. First, note the perspicacity of the Columbus police: "The person obviously has some kind of access to a chicken suit, or possibly even owns a chicken suit".

Yep. That would be a fair bet.

And even though I am the first to acknowledge the brilliant audacity of Chicken Man's plan, I can't help but question the wisdom of wearing 'giant orange feet' whilst making the getaway. Surely he could have just double-parked the Chickenmobile outside the joint?

Then there is the issue of 'aggravated menacing'. A man in a chicken suit could attract many different adjectives but menacing doesn't spring readily to mind.

I got to wondering about Chicken Man and whether CSI might have turned up something on the scene with their fancy fluorescent lights, so I did a search. Well waddya know? Looks like he's been busted. News Channel 5 has the dirt.

We all know how it will turn out, right? They throw him in the coop (probably Alcatraz), where bottled-up rage and frustration work on his bird brain, rendering him insane. Then, exposure to some radioactive compound in the prison laundry mutates and amplifies his avian powers until... oh, need I go on?