Monday, November 07, 2005

Suspected Fowl Play

In my collection of newspaper clippings I have this small snippet from a couple of years back:

Just Do What the Chicken Says

Police are hunting a robber who held up a shop at gunpoint dressed as a giant chicken. The wanted man walked into the grocery store in Columbus, Ohio, in the yellow costume and demanded cash from the safe.

“We have guys with fake moustaches now and again but never anything like this,” a Columbus police spokesman said. “The person obviously has some kind of access to a chicken suit, or possibly even owns a chicken suit,” he told local television. “So if you know of someone, please call the robbery squad.”

The man fled on his giant orange feet but was not pursued. He faces several charges, including robbery, aggravated menacing and intimidation.

There are several points of interest here. First, note the perspicacity of the Columbus police: "The person obviously has some kind of access to a chicken suit, or possibly even owns a chicken suit".

Yep. That would be a fair bet.

And even though I am the first to acknowledge the brilliant audacity of Chicken Man's plan, I can't help but question the wisdom of wearing 'giant orange feet' whilst making the getaway. Surely he could have just double-parked the Chickenmobile outside the joint?

Then there is the issue of 'aggravated menacing'. A man in a chicken suit could attract many different adjectives but menacing doesn't spring readily to mind.

I got to wondering about Chicken Man and whether CSI might have turned up something on the scene with their fancy fluorescent lights, so I did a search. Well waddya know? Looks like he's been busted. News Channel 5 has the dirt.

We all know how it will turn out, right? They throw him in the coop (probably Alcatraz), where bottled-up rage and frustration work on his bird brain, rendering him insane. Then, exposure to some radioactive compound in the prison laundry mutates and amplifies his avian powers until... oh, need I go on?


Blogger jedimacfan said...

I find it ironic that you posted this here because I lived in Columbus, Ohio and still consider it home. Unfortunately, I missed out on the chicken suit event of the year. Does anything as cool as the chicken suit guy happen in Australia?

November 07, 2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger Joe Fuel said...

Birdman? Oh wait, he was a good guy. Chicken-psycho-nutcase-dude?

November 07, 2005 2:50 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

jedimacfan: There is a tragic person in a city mall who tries to cadge money from passers-by by dressing as a donkey with a bell tied around its neck. It's certainly some kind of crime, but not out-and-out robbery. It's far from cool, and I've never seen the person who is in the suit. I can only assume they skulk in before dawn breaks and hightail it out as soon as the sun sets. I know I would.

Joe: Feathers McNugget? Al Capon? The Godfeather? Clucks Luthor?

November 07, 2005 5:00 PM  
Anonymous Pil said...

Do you know about Miss Beef Week? It's an Australian Spring event, and the girl who is judged the prettiest in the parade is named Miss Beef. Most country towns have a Miss Beef. She actually enjoys quite a lot of fame during the year following. I'm not sure if I'd rather be known as Miss Beef or Mr Chicken.

November 07, 2005 10:19 PM  
Blogger Joe Fuel said...

Ok, I admit that chicken-psycho-nutcase-dude is a bit clunky (for lack of a better adjective). But you have certainly put some serious thought into this one!

I think Clucks Luthor is the best.

November 08, 2005 1:56 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Whoa. I read this post earlier but was mildly disappointed that I could think of no comment regarding Mr. Chicken.

Ms. Beef?

November 08, 2005 2:01 PM  
Anonymous Cissy Strutt said...

I have just returned from a stroll through the lunchtime crowd in the centre of Sydney. There was a man dressed as a giant Burberry scent bottle. Perhaps he is SmellMan - overcoming his enemies with a squirt of paralysing AfterShaveO. "When questioned by Police, the bank tellers were confused & frightened, but gave off a pleasant odour."

November 08, 2005 2:17 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

jill: Well The Cow would certainly approve of a 'Ms Beef'. Or even better, a SuperHeroine with Bovine Properties (eek, I suddenly realised the implication of that... oh well, we are talking comicbook characters I guess).

November 08, 2005 2:30 PM  

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