Sunday, January 01, 2006

Or Use a Cucumber

Ah, Faithful Acowlites! Welcome to 2006. And what more fitting a way to ring in the New Year could I choose than a post about penis size? And not just any penises. We've spared no expense and today we're going to be talking Historical Celebrity Penis Wars.

But I'm getting ahead of myself; let's start at the beginning. This morning, Nurse Myra, ever on the alert for penis opportunities forwarded me this Important Information from 'Haltungverbund':
From: Haltungverbund
Subject: Make your penis visible through your pants.

Have y0ur heard of Erotic Museam in St. Petersburg? After t@k1ng our Viril1ty Patch RX, your dick can be exhibited there as the biggest penis ever.

Make your penis visible through your pants. Our Virility Patch RX can make your penis amazingly huge.

There is a number of medical conditions that affect penis size. These are evident at birth and may require medical intervention.

But there is only one way to fight a small penis. And it’s called Virility Patch RX.
Oh, the mirth.

Well, Haltungverbund had one up on me though - I didn't know there was an Erotic Museam in St Petersbug, so I looked it up! Yep, there it was: 'The very first Russian Museum of Erotica' established by the Head Physician of the Prostate Center of The Russian Academy of Sciences, Igor Knyazkin.*
"I want Russia to be a civilized country that looks into the future and has a correct vision of erotica," stated Knyazkin to the Nezavisimaya Gazette."
Which is, after all, an admirable goal. An uncivilized Russia looking backwards into the past with an incorrect vision of erotica defies imagination.

To this end, the exhibit that Knyazkin has chosen to symbolize this forward-looking civilized erotic Russia is, quite logically, Grigori Rasputin's preserved penis.
"Having such unique item on display, we can stop envying America that treasures Napoleon Bonaparte's reproductive organ," states Knyazkin. "In 1970s, Napoleon's genitals have been sold to an American urologist at an auction for $4000 USD. Napoleon's private part however is just a mere pod in comparison to our 30cm long organ."†
Yeah, take that you Yankee pigdogs with yer petite and undoubtedly gay Froggy penis.‡

Yep, that thing that the pretty girl is looking at in the picture, is supposed to be Rasputin's penis. Here's a picture on Flickr of another pretty girl looking at it.‡‡

I don't even want to speculate what these girls might be thinking, but I do wonder if they were there on the same day that Rasputin's great grandson John Nekmerson visited the St. Petersburg museum. On viewing his ancestor's pickled part Mr Nekmerson exclaimed, "This is really it, I've got the same one!"

He evidently has no need of Haltungverbund's RX Virility Patch.

Which brings us back to Haltungverbund's original email and allows us to make a few important observations:

1: If you want to exhibit your dick at the St Petersburg Museum of Erotica, then this surely implies that you need to be separated from it so they can put it in a jar for photographs. Sorry Haltungverbund, I'm not interested in this.

2: The Russians have taken Haltungverbund's suggestion that "there is only one way to fight a small penis" on board and are countering with their Mad Monk's Monster Member. Come on Yankees! Are you going to defend your title with the Coquettish Cock of a Cropped Corsican? Surely Lanky Abe Lincoln's Lengthy Lingam will stand up for you! Or is the Cold War still at work on your nether regions?

3: It's actually a simple matter to have your penis visible through your pants if that's really something you desire: just wear cheesecloth pants. This might not count as high fashion, but if visibility is what you seek, and your name is John Nekmerson, none of the girls are going to be looking at the pants.

Happy New Year! S Novim Godom! Bonne Année!

Welcome to 2006!

*Source: Pravda - "St. Petersburg to host the first Museum of Erotica in Russia"

†Did anyone else know this international-scale penis-envy was going on? So that's what the Cuban Missile Crisis was really about.

‡Dr. Knyazkin has also managed to acquire a gold-plated box containing the genitals of Joan of Arc. If I'd known there was such a trade in the reproductive organs of Historical Personages I'd have paid a lot more attention in history classes (I'll trade you Genghis Khan's foreskin for... Anne of Cleves' nipples and a snuff box full of Rene Descartes' pubic hair...)

‡‡I'm sorry if I've infringed anyone's copyright here, but I hope you'll agree it's in everybody's interest that these photographs are bought to the attention of the world.


Blogger Joey Polanski said...

If that chick in th top photo is Nurse Myra, then her little info packet has definitly expanded my Weltanschlong!

Dear Nurse Myra,

When fightin a small penis, shoud one use 10-ounce gloves or 8-ounce gloves? Or woud it be okay jus t bareknuckle it? An what weight division is that -- flyweight or strawweight?

January 01, 2006 7:10 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...


I think you should reconsider your stance on the whole Haltungverbund St. Petersburg stance. You could have yours tied and dangling and your exhibit could be Tetherd Cock Ahead.

And think of the ladies that would be russian to St. Petersburg just to see it.

January 02, 2006 4:16 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Joey: Unfortunately for you, Nurse Myra is not a cartoon character. If she was, she might look something like this.

jedimacfan: OK, that does it: off to barn with the three-legged stool and the milking pail with ya. Say after me "The pun is the cheapest form of humour, except when The Reverend does it and then it's the jolliest of japes and should be praised."

January 02, 2006 8:43 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

I clickd th link, an there she be:

Cartoon Nurse Myra, ostensibly,

Her needl poisd; an, no disputin,

Rite thru my pants, youll see Rasputin.

January 02, 2006 10:22 AM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Went to Russia to a museum

Lost my parts but gained a scar

They're on display where you can see 'em

My cock and balls in pickled jar

January 02, 2006 10:47 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

Ack. I can't believe that I put my mouth on those things.

January 02, 2006 1:50 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Chickie: I am somewhat disturbed by the thought that you might have travelled to St Petersburg and meddled with those jars. I am really hoping this is not what you meant.

January 02, 2006 1:58 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

Oh damn. I haven't meddled with any jars. But I feel like I need to puke now just thinking about it.

January 02, 2006 3:00 PM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

Nice post. What you wrote, I mean.

January 02, 2006 3:35 PM  
Blogger Misha said...

Well, now that I've seen Rasputin's package I can safely say that it beats every other pickled thing we had in our science labs, and this includes a well-preserved human head.

Happy new year to you too, Rev. A!

January 02, 2006 9:12 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Joey, I thought of some more positively pretentious penile poetry:

I've loaned my parts for exhibition

I'm sure they'll make a nice addition

Their size and splendor are umatched

I hope they can be re-attached

January 03, 2006 9:06 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Levitra an Cialis can cause 4-hour erection.

If you think thats a record, then I offer this correction:

Rasputins dicks been stiff throughout the century since he died.

Th secrit is a chemical thats calld formaldehyde.

January 03, 2006 12:57 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Enough already. Is it money you want? I'll get money. I'll sell my grandma's jewels. Or beat me with the baseball bats and chop off my pinkie finger. Just stop with the poems. Please... p-l-e-a-s-e... For the love of Mike...

(who the hell is Mike anyway? Is he related to Blind Freddy?)

January 03, 2006 5:42 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Peepee pooper!

January 03, 2006 6:08 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Joey, look over there! ::Points:: Is that the line?

In Russia you can place your parts
Behind glass; Well preserved
Your one-eyed monster on display
Where he can be observed.

Taboo? Museum? Or maybe both
Although it is uncivil
There's nothing like a pickled pecker
That's bloated and is shrivled.

Seriously, now. Are women's parts on display here, too? Because that would give Joey and I something more to work with. Ladies, I think you're being left out here.

January 04, 2006 12:54 PM  
Anonymous Cissy Strutt said...

though pickled penis be delicious
(and, above all , quite nutricious)
for me there is no dining finer
than a well preserved vagina

happy new year, to all ye uber-moos

January 04, 2006 1:04 PM  
Blogger weirdpixie said...

ah jeeez. just when i thought i'd never have to see those pickled penis photos ever again, criminey!

January 04, 2006 2:03 PM  
Blogger weirdpixie said...

also meant to say 'happy new year' to all at the cow. may you live long and prosper without too much pickling and never end up in a jar.

January 04, 2006 2:06 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Well, Revrend, at least ya no what t post on January 1, 2007: Th Second Annual Pickld Dick Poetry Contest.

January 04, 2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

You mean, encourage more of this?

The Horror.

January 04, 2006 4:28 PM  
Anonymous vox said...

So, the only thing between Russia and another conqueror is a seven inch penis? I'm grabbing my passport right now...

January 06, 2006 6:27 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Just stay away from people with secateurs Vox.

January 06, 2006 6:48 PM  

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