Friday, September 16, 2005

A is for Ant Allure

Spam Observations #13

Henry wrote to me today with a remedy for my failure to attract beautiful women:

Don't you wish you could attract all the most gorgeous women around you each day? Its easier then you think. A few dabs of Ultra Allure Pheromones will have women fighting over you.

Women fighting over me? Would it be too much to hope for naked jelly-wrestling?

Scientifically proven to work- pheromones have been used for years now to attract women.

And ants.

Don't be at a disadvantage anymore- pheromones will help any male attract women of all types and ages.

Awww... hang on, it's starting to sound a bit indiscriminate... And scary. I don't know if I want women of all types and ages flocking to my door. Does this Ultra Allure stuff come in a flavour that won't attract Bronwyn Bishop or Pauline Hanson or Amanda Vanstone?*

Don't be left behind! Millions of men are already benefiting from using pheromons to attract women-

(and ants...)

-without them you are at a disadvantage! Don't let the other guy get the girl, arm yourself with Ultra Allure pheromones tonight!

Hang on, if all these other men are drenching themselves in these pheromones, and I do too, it's just going to be one big pheromone free-for-all out there. Hey, maybe that's it! Those poor crazed women are going to be so hormone-addled by the haze of pheromones that they'll be just jumping anything that moves. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel!

If YOU would like to ...
- Become a lot more sexually attractive.

Uh huh...

- Meet more beautiful women, MUCH more easily.

I'm listening...

- Grab the attention and get approached by women far more often.

Go on...

- Make a fantastic, memorable, compelling impression , every time.

Sounding good...

- Increase your self-confidence and masculinity BIG-time: then this may be the most important news you will read all year.

Henry, I'm sold! Where do I sign? Oh, just before I do, coupla quick questions: Women are not going to think I'm a giant ant are they? Because, like, giant ants are not really known for getting the girl, except in 1950s horror movies in which instance it generally turns out badly for the ant. And, um, just curious, but can you tell me if there are any known side-effects if Ultra Allure is used in conjunction with SPUR-M?

*Overseas visitors: Australian political figures who, if you are lucky, you will never ever read about again.


Anonymous anne arkham said...

Ultra Allure will attract the women in the first place, but it's SPUR-M that will keep them coming back.

(you getting all this, joe?)

September 16, 2005 3:30 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

It pains me to realize I have a junk filter DELETING messages like this. What was I thinking?!

September 16, 2005 10:13 PM  
Blogger Joe Fuel said...

eww. no. i am definitely not taking note of this.

September 17, 2005 1:09 AM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

I want to move to Australia for many reasons. But now I have yet another to add to my list: You have much better SPAM porno mail than I do in your country. Where do I sign and how do I get from here to there?

September 17, 2005 1:19 AM  
Blogger Misha said...

I have a bad feeling that you'd attract either a whole bunch of ants, following you everywhere you go, or you'd be targeted not only by women but also by all the natural predators of ants. Like wasps... and spiders.

There's a pub that I frequent which has pheremone-tissues they sell in a small vending machine in the bathrooms. "Instant Sex Appeal", only two dollars. My friends and I were curious so we tried to buy one, but there weren't any left. And it took the two dollars.

September 18, 2005 5:14 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Anne Arkham: You leave the morals of our young Joe alone you wicked woman.

RJ: Yes, the spam mine is filled with seams of pure gold. But there's an awful lot of dirt.

jedimacfan: Er... I hate to break it to you but most of the spam I get (including this one) comes from the US. Excluding the Chinese spam, which might be better, but I can't read it.

Misha: So, you spent two dollars and got nothing for it? Probably the same effect as if you'd gotten one of the tissues... However, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I think it is your duty to find a vending machine, wipe on some of that pheromone, and report back to us here at The Cow on the effectiveness of the attraction of men/ants/wasps/women/cows or all of the above. Go to it Team Cow!

September 19, 2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger Alex said...

Poor Amanda Vanstone. She never gets a break. Do you watch The Glass House? They talk about her all the time on there.

October 23, 2005 4:16 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

PCBabySunribbon and Darth Loki: Amanda Vanstone deserves everything she gets. I can't find any remote corner of my being that feels even a picogram of sympathy for her.

October 23, 2005 4:35 PM  
Anonymous Harley Hillstrom said...

There are a few books on the subject, some very

January 03, 2006 6:20 AM  

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