Monday, November 14, 2005

Nitrous Oxidation

Spam Observations #17

It has been a while since I have made a New Best Friend but today Louis Broussard wrote to me with an account of some of his recent jolly japes. I reproduce it here for you unedited:
Hi,

Two years ago I tried one for a laugh and was impressed. It cost me $35 a tablet, girl said take one hour before activity and only need to take half but I took the whole thing. Sure enough after one hour it worked I was sitting in a bar playing a game with a girl and wasn't even thinking about it (well maybe only 10% of the brain was). I couldn't get up and walk away as jeans were tight and it was pretty obvious to any one looking that I must be a real sick puppy walking around like that. Ended up getting a mates jacket to hang over it. I took a girl back to the hotel and in the morning she said "you go long time many times", the wonder of it strikes again!

You can try it now too, don't loose you chance!

Berkleef Raymos
Thomas Gaultier Hacker
Garcia Augustin Berkan Meredith

Now a version which reflects my thought processes as I read it for the first time:
Two years ago I tried one for a laugh and was impressed.
What? What? What are you talking about Louis? Tried what? Where's the subject of your sentence...
It cost me $35 a tablet,
Oh, there we go. A tablet. For what? Laughing? A laughing tablet? What?
girl said take one hour before activity
Before activity? Take an hour before the activity? An hour off or something? What? Oh I see - take the tablet one hour before the activity. But what activity? Attending a comedy festival? Surfing? A prayer meeting?
only need to take half but I took the whole thing
Well that's hardly wise is it, for some kind of medication you've never taken before? Especially a laughing tablet. That could get you into real trouble. Like, you could start laughing at puns or something.
Sure enough after one hour it worked I was sitting in a bar playing a game with a girl
Yes, but how do you know it was the tablet? The girl might have been very funny. Or maybe it was the game. I've played some hysterical games of Flip the Coaster in my time.
and wasn't even thinking about it (well maybe only 10% of the brain was)
10% of the brain was thinking about what? The game? The girl? The tablet? Laughing? Maybe thinking about what the other 90% of an obviously fairly under-resourced brain was doing?
I couldn't get up and walk away as jeans were tight and it was pretty obvious to any one looking that I must be a real sick puppy walking around like that.
With jeans that were too tight to walk around in? Yep, I gotta say Louis, I've seen some pretty ugly sights in the tight jeans department. You should have thought of that on your way in. Most people in this joint would have already had you pegged as a sick puppy. I'm surprised you could find a girl to play games with. She must have had a good sense of humour. You really have to watch yourself with tight jeans. Aside from looking like a real dickhead, what if you got an erection or something? You could do some serious damage. Thank god for the laughing tablet, eh? I guess that, and the excruciating crushing of your testicles would have taken your mind off other things, if you get my meaning.
Ended up getting a mates jacket to hang over it.
OK, now you lost me. Mates... jacket... to... hang... over... it... Let me just read back there... OH! It's one of those kinds of tablets. Not a laughing tablet at all! Mind you, I can imagine that the sight of you in your tight jeans with a friend's jacket waggling in the air before your groin was bringing laughter to many people that night, without the need of any further medication on their part. I wish I'd been there.
I took a girl back to the hotel and in the morning she said "you go long time many times"
Yeah, well I'm not surprised. You sound like you had quite a bit to drink my man.
the wonder of it strikes again!
Louis, believe me when I tell you that the wonder of it strikes me every time I read your email.
Berkleef Raymos
Thomas Gaultier Hacker
Garcia Augustin Berkan Meredith
Ah, me. Again we see that like so many other spammers Louis suffers from the apparently epidemic affliction of Spammer Identity Confusion. I am beginning to formulate an hypothesis that it could just be that this is a side-effect of taking all these pills, for laughter or otherwise.

Whatever. I'm not going to loose any sleep over it.

8 comments:

Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

Okay seriously. Why do they bother with all this? If we allow for the existence of one or more persons willing to pay actual money for something - anything - brought to their attention via spam, is there any reason to think they'd be a hard sell? (sorry)

Put another way: for someone *not* among those elite unnumbered... persons who might under some circumstance pay for spamulous goods, is there any imaginable change to the message content that would make say, *you* send money? I'm thinking no.

I don't consider Undecided types because let's face it, for them it's only a matter of time. Still can't be that many, not enough to account for the Volume Of Spam riding electrons 'round the world.

So maybe the business model works like this: spammers make money as / from advertisers, not by product sales. If so, again the message content seems almost completely irrelevant. Of course I'm just speculating; spamming, kind of. Maybe this spam thing is all about actual product sales, but I have a hard time (sorry!) believing it.

November 15, 2005 10:00 AM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

You mentioned prayer meetings and laughing at puns in your entry. If you take one of these tablets at a catholic prayer meeting, woudl you laugh at nuns?

And maybe that girl in the bar that this dude hooked up with took one of those tablets, too, and that maybe it's the only reason they got together in the first place.

November 15, 2005 10:57 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

I am laughing maniacally. As penance for forgetting about daylight savings time, I am going to practice calculating the time difference every time I comment on your blog (before I post it, so I can't cheat) or one of your comments on mine. It's about 7pm now. So that makes it...11am on Tuesday?

November 15, 2005 10:59 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Sweet. Math penance. It worked in grade school.

November 15, 2005 10:59 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

RaJ: Well, as the old saw goes, I can't see your problem - I reply to every spam I get and now I've got two houses in Costa Rica, 18 millions dollars from Nigeria, a new girl in my bed every night and a fifteen foot penis.

jedimacfan: Don't mess with my head. The spammers are bad enough. Besides, I don't need a pill to laugh at nuns. They look like oversize penguins.

jill: Very good. Go to the top of the class. Yes, it's Tuesday here and the winning lottery numbers are... oops, there's the phone.

November 15, 2005 1:31 PM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

If you have 18 million dollars, you don't need a 15-foot penis.

November 15, 2005 3:06 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Yeah, so all the girls keep telling me. Apparently the Ultra Allure, the SPUR-M and the six dozen fake Rolexes are unnecessary too.

November 15, 2005 3:30 PM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

Oh no, the SPUR-M is necessary.

November 16, 2005 5:12 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home