Friday, February 03, 2006

Take Two Tablets and Call Me in the Morning

Since I'm casting down moral aspersions from up here on my high horse (or high cow, should I say)...

It's plain to see that in this modern world the original Ten Commandments are, well, not keeping up. It's obviously time for a re-write to put the Commandments in line with what appear to be the acceptable modern morals. So, herewith, The New Amended Ten Commandments:
TenComm™ v2.0 (beta)*:

1. Thou shall have no other God before me. Except if that God is Mammon. Then it's entirely OK. (If your God is Mammon, skip the rest of TenComm 2.0. It will all be old news to you).

2. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain. Except if you slam the car door on your hand. Or use the name of the Lord to promote commercial endeavours such as candy, mortgage schemes or especially your new Pentecostal-style church.

3. Thou shall observe the Sabbath and keep it Holy. Except if the football is on. Or if you have to rake in some money from your new Pentecostal-style church.

4. Thou shall honour thy father and thy mother. Except if they try to instill in you some kind of thoughtful moral standards and sense of empathy for your fellow human. In which case do all that you can to disappoint them. (Special Dispensation: if you are a clone, you may ignore this Commandment).

5. Thou shall not kill. Except if undertaking 'Crusades'. Then it's OK to kill, maim, rape, steal and, oh heck, break every one of TenComm v1.0. In general it's OK to kill at any time if you invoke the name of God. It's especially OK if at some stage in the proceedings the victim has invoked the name of his/her differing God.

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Except if you are a prominent member of the Church, a politician or an influential business person (or Hollywood personality), in which case it's perfectly OK. Oh, also, if you're concerned that you are committing adultery, then just get divorced.

7. Thou shall not steal. Except if you can do it without getting caught. Or if you run a Pentecostal or other cult-style church, in which case you may steal a tenth of the salary of the suckers who join up.

8. Thou shall not bear false witness. Except if you are in a postion of power, such as the church, police force, or especially the government. In which case, just rearrange the facts to suit your story, and then make that the law.

9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's wife. Unless she is Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, etc, in which case, covet away. Don't get caught.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's oxen. Because who really wants an oxen, right? They are big and dumb and will shit copiously on your carpet. You may, however, covet with impugnity your neighbour's plasma tv, Porsche Boxter, or Armani suit. In fact you are encouraged to do so to keep the economy lubricated.

Stay tuned for Seven Deadly Sins v2.0. Coming soon.

*All readers of The Cow are elgible to be in the beta test program. Bug reports accepted in Comments.


Anonymous anne arkham said...

I think that, for really ugly people, coveting oxen is the best they can do. Cause there's no chance they're getting with Angelina Jolie. Might as well be realistic about who they're hooking up with.

February 03, 2006 5:38 PM  
Blogger Phi said...

your job as a Minister really rocks.. would you ever consider having a secretary, as you had me fired from my don't-laugh-reading-blogs job?

February 03, 2006 9:29 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

You had Phi fired?! 'Tis a sad day when The Cow throws its weight around in such a manner.

Actually I was trying to put that in the form of a Monty Python "shrubber" quote but found myself unmotivated. Did I break a commandment or is that one of the seven deadlies?

February 03, 2006 10:42 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

These are some commandments tha I may be able to work within. Maybe.

February 04, 2006 12:35 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Is there any cmmandment against askin God t influents th outcome of a foopball game? Cause I got a doubl sawbuck ridin on da Steelrs inda Soopr Bowl.

February 04, 2006 2:31 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

phi: Here at The Cow we welcome all pilgrims with open arms. I think the commute might be slightly expensive for you though...

RaJ: Phi says she got fired because she was laughing too much at The Cow. So, either I just post lots of lengthy philosophizing (yawn) or we risk the occaisonal layoffs. It's a tough ethical question.

As for being unmotivated to speak in the style of the Pythons, dear me, that's a sad thing. I don't even think it can be categorized as a sin.

chickie: Well, it's a beta as I say. Improvements and variations are being considered before we unleash TenComm v2.0 on the world.

Joey: You can ask, but it may be that the Anti-Joey is asking for the same odds on the Seahawks. This is the problem with TenComm v1.0. TenComm v2.0 aims to get around these kinds of problems by introducing bribery as an acceptable tactic. Of course, the Anti-Joey might have more money than you...

February 04, 2006 12:37 PM  
Anonymous weirder and creepier said...

the sponsorships are a nice touch,
. . .
but no wonder you keeping having that dream

by the way, I happen to like oxen. they are easier to live with than some of the women i know.

February 04, 2006 12:45 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Hmm. Yes, I see what you mean. The dream is a metaphor for the insidious rising flood of irrational belief which must surely break in a hideous wave of catastrophic moral and intellectual disaster. Shysters and purveyors of snake-oil and fantasy peddling whatever tenuous belief-systems they can to separate the gullible and the brain-washed from their money. In the name of God*, for the promise of Salvation.

It's certainly enough to give me nightmares.

*Insert any irrational being or belief.

February 05, 2006 8:53 PM  

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