Monday, March 06, 2006

Amazing New Cure!

Is your computer behaving erratically? Do you suffer from Hangs, Crashes or Freezes? Did you 'accidentally' open that 'hotnakedwives' jpeg or click on the 'Nude Kim Possible!' link that was 'mysteriously' sent to your email address last week? Have you comprehensively failed to practice safe text?

Well, Intrepid Internet Adventurer fear no more!!!

TCA Enterprises™ in association with Hello From Hell Inc. offers to you here, for the very first time on the internet, The Virtual Homeopathic Cure.

Yes this Cure, acting in much the same way as a conventional Homeopathic Cure works in the Real World, is presented in the form of the neutral-tasting, and almost completely transparent Virtual Glass of Water (VGW)™! The VGW™ has been created ENTIRELY DIGITALLY from the very same bits that Evil Computer Hackers use to make their Dreaded Viruses! Here at TCA, our scientists have taken those bits and distilled them down to just 1 billion billionths of their former strength and used them to create a remedy that will protect you FOREVER from the scourges of Worms, RATs, Trojans and bugs.

How Does it Work?

Just view the picture above on the screen of any computer you believe might be infected! Yes, that's ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!! By activating the Homeopathic Law of Digital Similars the VGW™ goes to work immediately on your computer without you even being aware of anything happening! INCREDIBLE! Behind the scenes, the VGW™ is cleansing every single bit in your RAM, on your hard drive, and in your cables using Atto-Magnetic Rotation (AMR)™ and Double Spin Holographic Resonance (DSHR)™. As long as you keep the VGW™ somewhere on your hard drive, and view it from time to time (our Researchers suggest weekly), we give you our 100% MONEY BACK GUARANTEE that your computer will BEHAVE BETTER and FEEL MORE FRIENDLY than it has ever been! Not only that, your screen will appear SHARPER and and all websites and emails will be CLEARER and MORE DEFINED. In addition, your keyboard will feel MORE RESPONSIVE, typing errors will DRAMATICALLY DECREASE and unwanted spam will be REDUCED BY HALF!!

How Much Does it Cost?

Well, as a Special Introductory Offer, we are making the VGW™ available to readers of Tetherd Cow Ahead ABSOLUTELY FREE! Yes, you heard me right, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Best of all the VGW™ is already working on your computer!!! The Virtual Homeopathic Technology we have used is SO POWERFUL that just by viewing the image in this post, viruses have been cleansed from your system.

There's No Such Thing as a Free Lunch. What's the Catch?

Faithful Readers. I know you will be SO IMPRESSED by the VGW™ and SO GRATEFUL to have been given the chance to be the first to experience this revolution in Computer Health that you will be wanting to share the VGW™ with ALL your friends. That's right Folks, I want you to be my Watery Army and start The New Flood! Send the VGW™ to all your friends! Send them a link to this post! And make sure they send the Word on to their friends, and to their friends' friends!†

Why Are You Using So Many Capital Letters and Exclamation Marks?

I DON'T KNOW! I just started writing this post and I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF!!!

So, all you Aquifying Acolytes, off you go to Splash the word around! I want to see my web counter clock fifty thousand hits by the end of the week! Onward towards a Healthier, Happier and Wetter Internet!!!

†And while you're at it, how about some product endorsements in the Comments?


Blogger Phi said...

I'm absolutely amazed by your genius.
I'll spread the word.
A wetter web for a better world. Sounds like a tongue-twister, though...

March 06, 2006 9:41 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

"Refreshing! Highly recommended!" -- forty-seven computer literate monkeys.

March 07, 2006 12:58 AM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

But TCA... is the glass half-empty or half-full?

March 07, 2006 1:00 AM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

This is what Hello From Hell was all about? To quote Ralphie, "A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!"

March 07, 2006 1:04 AM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

I'm liking the capital letters and exclamation points. I'm going to want to see more of those from now on.

March 07, 2006 4:29 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Dont ferget th tappin, Revrend. Bangin on th side of a gadgitll always help fix it, rite?

March 07, 2006 10:00 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Phi: I LIKE it! A Wetter Web, for a Better World! It is now part of The Cow tagline rotation.

Jam: Well the beauty of Virtual Homeopathy (like RW Homeopathy) is that the amount of Virtual Water is irrelevant to the efficacy of the cure. In fact, the less water in the glass, the better! A striking example of the Positive Power of Pessimism.

jedimacfan: Hello From Hell Inc. represents ALL your very worst nightmares...

Anne Arkham: !!!!!

Joey: Yes, you're right. We even have a technical term for that here at TCA: It's called Percussive Maintenance.

March 07, 2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

I'm very excited to have been drafted for the Watery Army. I will serve The Cow proudly.

March 07, 2006 1:56 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Chickie: I hereby appoint you Mistress of the Amphora! Go Forth and Be Moist! Er... wait. That didn't sound quite right...

March 07, 2006 6:25 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Ooooo, Reverend, you're dispensing titles now? I think you're on to something, here. I hereby call for the formation of the Fabulous Union of the Cow Knights.

Let the first meeting of F.U.C.K. now come to order.

All hail his majesty, the Chancellor Of the Cow Knights, the Reverend Anaglyph. May his holyness prevail!

March 08, 2006 3:11 AM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...


March 08, 2006 3:11 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

By th way, I nevr did click that "Nude Kim Possible!" link ya postd. I dint evn see that pitchr o her wit her cheerleadr skirt off.

Just in case you was wondrin, Revrend Smartypants.

March 08, 2006 3:38 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

jedimacfan: Tsk. I'll be the one coming up with the regiments for my Holy War, thank you very much, and they won't have smutty acronyms. You are hereby anointed the First Guard of the Waterbomb, and I decree that you should from this moment go forth to a high tower in your vicinity and Rain my Word down upon the masses.

Joey: I think you'd better download two copies of the VGW™

March 08, 2006 8:55 AM  

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