The Enigmatic Thing
Well, my birthday is nigh and Nurse Myra certainly knows the way to a young blogger's heart. Yesterday she gave me a copy of the Innovations Christmas Catalogue. I am not entirely sure if it is my present, or if I am supposed to choose my present from the vast possibilities contained therein. It's a win/win situation. It's going to keep me supplied with blogging material for months. Crikey, where do I start? Maybe here:
This object doesn't actually have a name (missed opportunity, or what!) but this is what the catologue promises:
Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There's Ocean Waves - imagine: the warm light of sun through your closed eyelids, the soothing sound of the surf and the scent - courtesy of the aromatherapy beads (supplied) - of the salty spray from the sea. Or Rainforest: dappled sunlight through the leaves, the smell of damp warm leaf mulch and the sound of monkeys screeching in the canopy high above. Or the enigmatically suggested Rural Sounds: the flickering light of flame from an autumn bonfire, the restful tones of tractors and hay-bailing machines with occasional pig squeals, and the nostalgic aroma of cow manure and superphosphate. And we shouldn't forget Summer Nights: the strobing of police lights in the street outside, the distant doof-doof-doof of the house down the road where all the teenagers live and the cheap perfume from the hooker who's set up shop in front of your house.
Genius, I tell you.
And the Innovations people have helpfully added advice for any unimaginative browser who might think "What the hell would I do with one of those?": Give it to someone as a gift! Now there's something you'd never have thought up yourself!
You guys just wait till you see the leopard-print toilet seat.
This object doesn't actually have a name (missed opportunity, or what!) but this is what the catologue promises:
Feel your tension drift away - total relaxation at your bedside!Man, I want this relaxation centre so badly. It's a work of genius: light, sound and smell all in one neat unit.
Let the sounds of nature soothe you to sleep or aid your meditation. This beautiful relaxation centre reproduces 8 realistic sounds including a running stream, rainforest and songbird. It casts a beautiful, changing light through the crystal ball, and you can use it with aromatherapy beads (supplied). Measuring 21 x 15 x 15 cm with a 10cm glass sphere, it is powered by a mains adaptor (included). The sound and light will turn off automatically, so it’s perfect for bed time.
Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There's Ocean Waves - imagine: the warm light of sun through your closed eyelids, the soothing sound of the surf and the scent - courtesy of the aromatherapy beads (supplied) - of the salty spray from the sea. Or Rainforest: dappled sunlight through the leaves, the smell of damp warm leaf mulch and the sound of monkeys screeching in the canopy high above. Or the enigmatically suggested Rural Sounds: the flickering light of flame from an autumn bonfire, the restful tones of tractors and hay-bailing machines with occasional pig squeals, and the nostalgic aroma of cow manure and superphosphate. And we shouldn't forget Summer Nights: the strobing of police lights in the street outside, the distant doof-doof-doof of the house down the road where all the teenagers live and the cheap perfume from the hooker who's set up shop in front of your house.
Genius, I tell you.
And the Innovations people have helpfully added advice for any unimaginative browser who might think "What the hell would I do with one of those?": Give it to someone as a gift! Now there's something you'd never have thought up yourself!
You guys just wait till you see the leopard-print toilet seat.
† anaglyph 3:27 PM
9 comments:
Hey, don't knock the leopard print toilet seat. Mine gets lots of compliments.
Perhaps so, but does it actually have a picture of a leopard when you lift up the seat???
Quote: "Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There's Ocean Waves"
So if you order this for me does it mean mine comes with Perpetual Ocean Waves?
Let me know when you buy your leopard seat. I'll be sure and get you a gift card for this place to accessorize. And please allow me to say that nothing is more pleasant than hearing screaching monkeys when you're trying to do your business in the bathroom so you should probably buy two of those "things": One for your bedroom and one for the bathroom.
Rats! I must have bought a knock-off. Suddenly, my seat doesn't seem so novel.
I want a toilet seat that makes noises and comes with aromatherapy beads.
*My* toilet seat makes noises... never mind. *This* patented item [link] seems like the ultimate noise-maker. A quote:
HEL-LO. THIS IS YOUR TOI-LET SPEAK-ING. THANK YOU FOR INSTALL-ING THIS A-NUN-CIA-TOR ON ME SO THAT MY VOICE CAN BE HEARD MORE CLEAR-LY.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE EN-JOYED GET-TING TO KNOW YOUR FAM-I-LY OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WARMTH AND YOUR HIGH FI-BER DI-ETS. COME VIS-IT A-GAIN SOON. IF YOU HAVE A-NY QUES-TIONS, FEEL FREE TO ASK ME OR THE TOI-LET PA-PER ROLL. HOL-DER.
FLUSHHHHHHHHHH
jedimacfan: The Ocean Waves are perpetually irritating. And thanks for that link. Now I have to go put my eyes out with a poker.
Anne Arkham: Maybe something like this to tide you over?
rj: No matter how much insanity I can imagine, I am always defeated by reality. Sigh.
rj: Did you notice that the Speaking Toilet annunciates rather than enunciates? We could assume that the writers are using an archaic form, or we could take the more generally accepted modern usage of the word and extrapolate that this toilet might also offer some kind of forewarning of the Second Coming of Christ. I will not attempt to untangle a metaphor from this.
Probably best to leave it tangled. I just started *thinking* about it and got a headache. Then I opened the link you provided for Anne--
What does it mean when you hear a sound like microwave popcorn popping... inside your head?
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