Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Great Balls of Fire!

As threatened, more gems from the Innovations catalogue... This one the Portable Plasma™ trumpeted thus:
Harness the Power of Lightning

Imagine, a wireless sphere of magical plasma light you could take anywhere!
Yep, it's something I've imagined often: Oh, look at the time. I'd best be off to buy some wainscotting. If only I had a wireless sphere of magical plasma light to take with me!
Portable Plasma™ creates a dramatic display of multicoloured light under a hand-blown glass dome.
Surely that's a mouth-blown glass dome. Or a hand-made glass dome. I've heard of things being overblown or fly-blown but hand-blown? What the bejeezus does that mean. These Innovations copywriters are world-class language manglers.
Fascinating to watch, the dome begs to be touched - just watch the bolts of glowing light follow your every move.
Now I've seen these plasma thingies, and I think it's stretching matters just a teeny bit to call the little fluffy flickering tendrils of plasma bolts. A bolt is something that screeches from the sky like an express train on crack and splits telegraph poles in two, whilst simultaneously fracturing your eardrums with a kind of atmosphere-tearing-asunder kind of sound. These little wimpy finger tickling lighting effects are not bolts. There's a word for that kind of exaggeration. It's called bullshit.

And while we're on the topic of exaggeration, is it a bit much to be claiming that with this gadget you'll be able to harness the power of lightning. I mean this implies, surely, that you're going to be able to get the awesome power of genuine lightning and do something with it, like strike down the febrile moron with the leaf-blower who lives across the road into a charred smoking mass of barbecue fuel.
Great for parties or gatherings or use it on any shelf as a mesmerising display.
Oh man, I'm really bummed that I don't get invited to those kinds of parties.
"Hey Daddyo, this new Portable Plasma™ is a gas! That Singing Trout™ that Maynard had at his clambake last week is so squaresville when you put it next to this!"
I also like to imagine the kind of gatherings it might be great for. I bet they involve robes and goat's blood. Or even more unsettlingly: Tupperware.
Requires 4 "AA" batteries (not included).
And surely, after all the hyperbole, this is where the reality-check kicks in; we're expected to believe that 4 AA batteries are going to give us the juice to harness the power of lightning.

Excuse my skepticism. Next they'll be trying to tell us that a Lava Lamp contains real lava.


Anonymous Pil said...

Apparently the Tupperware Museum has closed down (Museum of Historic Food Containers
14901 South Orange Blossom Trail
Kissimmee FL).

Your posting reminded me of it, and when I searched I found that it had closed. I have always wanted to drive across the USA again and visit places that felt quintessentially American to me. This was definitely at the top of the list.

I feel strangely sad. I now realise how much I wanted to go there.

Happy Birthday, btw.

September 27, 2005 10:02 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

Hmm, we have a cabinet full of old Tupperware. Maybe we should put up a Tupperware Museum sign. (riff) How about a sign showing dangerous interaction between Tupperware and Simple Graphics Man, a don't seal yourself inside caution maybe?

All completely off-topic of course, sorry. A laugh-out-loud post, this one.

Daddyo... squaresville... Maynard... as in, "Maynard G. Krebs?" Surely not.

September 27, 2005 10:35 PM  
Blogger Joe Fuel said...

Note to self: I will never again read this blog while eating breakfast. I didn't realize that a person can laugh hard enough to shoot oatmeal through their nose...

Trust me, it isn't pleasent.

Funny as hell though.

September 28, 2005 12:51 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Pil: There's really a place called 'Kissimmee' in Florida? How utterly sweet. I want to live there, despite the lack of Tupperware museum!

RJ: The thought of SGM sealed in a Tupperware container is even more tragic than being crushed under a crumbling cliff!

And yes, Maynard as in 'Maynard G. Krebs'. Well spotted. Whatever happened to Dobie Gillis anyway?

Joe: Try making the sound 'pzulk' whilst regurgitating oatmeal through your nose. Now imagine that it isn't oatmeal, but vodka and rancid yoghurt. From here on in, your day can only get better!

September 28, 2005 7:14 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

I admit to using google to find this, vs. having it on-hand: Dobie Gillis

September 29, 2005 1:41 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Shriek! And Dwayne Hickman has become Dobie Gillis. Ergghh, I'm having flashbacks.

September 29, 2005 6:21 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home