Monday, November 21, 2005

The Radionic Machine



Hold on to your pyramid hats Cowettes, today we're going to take a walk on the Wild Side of the Highly Bizarre! "What's new?" I hear you cry. "I always come to The Cow with that expectation!"

Ah yes, so very true, but today I have one of the most special items in Mysterious Corner to show you.

This is what it says on the front of the box:
The Aetherius Society

Holy Stone

FROM MOUNT BALDY, AMERICA

MOUNTED IN A HANDMADE TRIANGLE
There are copious notes with the Holy Stone but for the sake of brevity I'll just provide you here with a few extracts. On the 'Important Instructions' sheet:
This sacred article is carefully hand-crafted to an exact shape and formula designed by Doctor George King, President of the Aetherius Society.
Here is some information on Doctor George King, including a very scary portrait. The 'exact shape' that Dr King has so cunningly designed is what would in less enlightened circles be described as an equilateral triangle. As to the 'formula', well, the sacred article appears to be made out of wood, but I guess I could be mistaken on that score. The instructions continue:
Because of the mystical shape of this article, it is fairly fragile. It should not be dropped or roughly handled.
Because of the shape? Because it's a triangle, it's fragile? Hmmm. Setting aside the confusing logic, this assertion is just not convincing. A spun-glass Yuletide ornament is fragile. A balsa wood aeroplane frame is fragile. A 150 million year old compsagnathus skeleton is fragile. A solid wooden triangle with sharp points is robust enough to be a murder weapon. But that's another story.
Do not allow this article to be handled by strangers and only handle it a minimum of times yourself.
Much as you might treat the precious things of the shop, perhaps.

The instructions include various packaging and care tips, including the admonition to 'always keep the article in an upright position'. This is evidently very important, because it is mentioned several times. An additional Information Sheet that comes with the Sacred Article proclaims in big letters at the top:
Each Shape is a Radionic Machine!
It goes on to say that "all owners of these Shapes, containing Holy Stones from the Holy Mountains charged during Operation Starlight" are urged to regard the Shapes as "little radionic machines!" Doctor King wants us to know that "there is at least 100,000 years of experience behind the knowledge which he put into the design of these Shapes". Normally, this would provide a bit of a problem since that puts us well back before the Stone Age, but this is no hurdle for the Aetherians, who believe that humans are just an outpost of a huge intergalactic civilization that has been around for yonks. If you care to read about that kind of thing you can spend a lot of time doing so on the Aetherius Society web page.

The Instruction leaflet also has some tips for those wishing to take their Holy Stone & Wooden Triangle on holidays:
If you wish to take this sacred article with you on vacation or other trips, pack it carefully in its own box and pack it in an upright position.
Oh yes, I can see it now:
Would you mind opening your briefcase sir. Hmm. Now, what's this?

Oh, that's a Holy Stone from Mt Baldy. See - it says so on the box.

A Holy Stone? It's set in a rather sharp and quite robust looking wooden triangle - I'm afraid you can't take that on the plane.

Ooh. Be careful - it's very fragile. Don't tip it over. And I'd prefer you didn't handle it quite so much.

And why would that be, sir?

Well, you see, it's a little radionic machine...

I see. And what exactly would that do then?

Er. Well. Um. I'm not sure. The instructions are quite comprehensive, but they don't really say anything about that...

Is that right? Excuse me a minute would you sir... Hey, Frank - take a look at the pointy end of this thing. Does that look like blood to you?

16 comments:

Blogger Jill said...

Is it just me, or did you neglect to mention how this came into your possession?

November 22, 2005 1:56 AM  
Blogger r.fuel said...

Haha.

November 22, 2005 3:18 AM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

I'm scouring the dictionaries trying to find a definition of the word 'radionic' that makes sense to me.

November 22, 2005 4:53 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

I no of some Rolling Stones datin back t th Stone Age.

November 22, 2005 6:40 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Jill: Aha! Let me just say to you the two scalp crawling words monkey's paw...

Anne Arkham: Happy scouring. Don't get too involved though - I have some other scrumptious radionic treats in store for you...

November 22, 2005 12:41 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

What is Radionics?

So do you actually believe in this stuff or did you just happen to come across one of these lovely parting gifts?. Because the healing energy vibe that I am getting is bullsh!t (or arguably Tetherd Cowsh!t). Heal me, Reverend!

November 22, 2005 1:23 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Hmm. It would seem my sarcasm isn't etched in ink purple enough for some.

A flick of the Sacred Rope upon you jedimacfan and a sprinkling of the Blesséd Whey. I hereby CAST OUT the DEMON that has come into you to make you think anything you read here is serious (well, except for the serious stuff, and I'm sure you'll know when that is).

November 22, 2005 3:13 PM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

Oh, so you're willing to exorcise him, but not me.

November 22, 2005 3:43 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

The Cow knows when He sees a lost cause.

November 22, 2005 4:49 PM  
Anonymous radionman said...

Doesn't anyone know that "radionics" is "the study of radions"? "Radions", of course, are especially cool ions from the 80's. You raised in a barn?

November 23, 2005 6:26 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

I like the cut of your jib radionman. Pull up a bale and join the party. Oops, careful, don't step in the holy blessings...

November 23, 2005 6:49 AM  
Blogger William Jefferson Davis Hodges said...

It could be said that anything, if used right, could be a machine. The definition of a "simple machine" really only needs the qualifier of "using principles of leverage or rotation". What this means to you folks is that this block of holy stone, or wood, or whatever could be a machine if used as say... a doorstop. Or a prying instrument, though it may not be the best use of a fragile material.

Though wood is known for it's deadening qualities, it sacrifices a considerable amount of tensile strength, and has almost no rigidity. Were I to use it for a machine, I would consider using it in conjunction with some type of long handle to compress highly finished wood grained or polished metal surfaces without marring the facade of said material.

Or as a wedge.

Either way, it IS a machine, though radionic is a questionable engineering term. Much as the term "humaneering" which doesn't do nothing except turn me to the drink.

November 23, 2005 7:57 AM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

eBay

Looks as though they've "improved" (?) upon your version and made it electrical. I bet you'll wake right up when you feel that harmonious healing energy power of life spring forth from those Tesla coils and all through your body.

November 23, 2005 9:41 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

I would give my right arm to snoop through your house. I mean that in a nice non-stalkery way.

November 24, 2005 12:09 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

William Jefferson Davis Hodges: I tip my hat to you Mr Hodges, you are of course succinctly correct. And you may be further enlightened to hear what Dr King has to say on the subject:

"Each of these little radionic Shapes depends for its ouput upon the natural action of its 'moving parts', the natural movement within the atomic structure of the wood and the Stone. It is the precision and dimensions of the Shape and the glorious Spiritual Power in the Stone which pre-determines this motion and which makes it work!"

So Dr King extends your meaning even deeper by using the 'leverage and rotation' at atomic levels to aid his definition. This means that the Sacred Article can be a machine by doing nothing at all except just sitting there! Amazing! I bet you all want one now.

November 26, 2005 2:58 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

chickie: Rest assured, if you did give your right arm, it would be proudly displayed in Mysterious Corner.

November 26, 2005 3:00 PM  

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