Sunday, February 12, 2006

Blues For Breakfast

If you run a cafe and a customer asks the question "Is your orange juice freshly squeezed?" there is only one acceptable answer: "Yes, of course!"

If you need to answer "No" then you shouldn't be offering orange juice on the menu. The chalky bitter-and-yet-too-sweet orange coloured stuff that comes supplied in plastic bottles is about as close to orange juice as Kool Aid is to, well, any naturally occurring substance.

Other unacceptable answers to the above question:

♦"Yes, it's that brand that gets squeezed daily. We get it delivered every couple of days...*"

♦"No, but it's organic"

♦"I'm not sure†"

♦"No, it's Tang"

♦"No, but it's a really nice brand‡"

Lately, a cafe in my area has taken to providing a certain brand of organic orange juice in an ugly plastic bottle. If you are foolish enough to order it, the bottle is delivered to the table with a straw, no glass. This is all about showing off your preference for drinking expensive organic juice and nothing about enjoyment. It tastes like shit.

Hear me, restaurants of the world: the only acceptable option for providing orange juice to a customer is to get a few big fresh oranges (organic if you desire, certainly), squeeze the juice out of them and deliver it immediately to the table. Don't put ice in it.

The Cow has spoken.

*No kidding - a waiter said that to me once.
†You may as well say "No". Any restaurant waiter worth their wage could hardly not notice orange squeezing apparatus. It's not like it's a Stealth process or anything.
‡ No it isn't. Orange juice in bottles does not taste at all like real orange juice. Ever.


Blogger jedimacfan said...

Orange you glad you have the Cow here as a place to vent frustration relating to all but the most important matters in life?

February 12, 2006 12:54 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Well, I have been dealing with God, Creation, Morality and rabbit eradication previously - surely some of the big topics of our time.

And anyway, never understimate the importance of orange juice.

As for the atrocious pun...

February 12, 2006 1:05 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Could you squeeze out a post with all of them at once?

February 12, 2006 1:37 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Heres sort of a variation on th (*) anser:

"Well, I aint sqweezd it yet tday; but Ill go give it a sqweeze for ya rite now, if ya like."

February 12, 2006 1:48 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Ah yes. Another of my pet peeves; the smartass waiter. The only reasonable argument for carrying concealed.

February 12, 2006 2:02 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

I had a rather large black man who kept doing annoying Napolean Dynomite impressions once. He works at a restaurant that Kate and I go to all the time. Are you for hire?

February 12, 2006 2:38 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana who?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana who?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

February 12, 2006 3:21 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Im still waitin t find out Banana who?

February 12, 2006 4:11 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I am most relieved The Cow decided to speak on this matter.

I couldn't agree more. Couldn't.

I've grown up an orange juice lover. My parents continually recount how when I was an infant, and I lay down to sleep, I looked at them expectantly. My signal for "orange juice now, please".

And they would freshly squeeze orange juice.

During times when they were too busy, they would try to give me juice from a bottle of the supermarket variety, but one suck on the bottle and they said I'd literally shun the bottle.

Freshly squeezed or none at all was the principle.

Picky from the beginning.

February 12, 2006 9:53 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I got my hair cut at Noddys on King and afterwards, passed Goulds Books Arcade.

It reminded me of your blog and photo on it.

February 12, 2006 9:56 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

I suppose the next thing you're going to tell me is that Outback Steakhouse isn't really Australian food?

I feel like I've been living a lie my whole life...

February 13, 2006 3:40 AM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

Orange juice is well and good, but I prefer fresh-squeezed old fish.

February 13, 2006 4:59 AM  
Blogger anaglyph said...


>>I suppose the next thing you're going to tell me is that Outback Steakhouse isn't really Australian food?

I went to an Outback Steakhouse in North Carolina once. Somewhere near Wilmington. What can I say...

No wait. That deserves an entire post.

February 13, 2006 7:32 AM  
Anonymous Cissy Strutt said...

At Fawlty Towers, when asked if the customer could cancel their order for fruit salad, Sybil (the stupendous Prunella Scales) replied "Well, it's a little tricky, chef's just opened the tin."

February 13, 2006 7:23 PM  
Blogger r.fuel said...

I could not agree more.

February 14, 2006 2:05 AM  

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