Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pretender to the Crown

Spam Observations #18

Today, Claudio Joiner (or John Smith*) wrote to tell me that 'my woman wants a replica'. But here, let him tell you in his own words (Spam Speak is always so much better than anything I could come up with):
Subject: Your woman wants a replica

Do you want a high quality replica?

In our online store you can buy replicas that look and feel exactly like the real thing.

- We have 20+ different brands in our selection†
- Free shipping if you order 5 or more
- Save up to 40% compared to the cost of other replicas
- Standard Features:
- Screw-in crown
- Unidirectional turning bezel where appropriate
- All the appropriate logos, on crown and dial
- Heavy weight

Best regards,
John Smith
So, girls. Sound appealing? High quality replicas that look and feel like the real thing? 20+ different brands? So, you've got the picture in your mind, right? I bet it looks exactly like THIS!

*More Spammer Identity Confusion

†Once again these idiotic spammers think they are being wonderfully crafty by not mentioning the actual brand name of the stupid crapola fake watches they're selling. Like, because it will get past my spam filters and I'll suddenly think "Ooooh. I can't for the life of me think why I filtered the word 'Cowlex' from my mail. I must immediately go and buy one of these pieces of junk!"‡

‡Not that the actual real Cowlex™ watches aren't very fine pieces of merchandise, soon to be available in the TCA Store.


Blogger Joe Fuel said...

I can hardly wait for my very own Cowlex. But will they come equipt with a rumen?

December 03, 2005 12:21 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

I'm sorry, but I think that this email is much cooler if you substitute the word "dildo" for "watch".

December 03, 2005 1:12 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

joe: See, the really clever thing about the Cowlex™ is that via a miniature rumen it manufactures its own methane. This in turn runs a tiny fuel cell that runs the watch. Cunning, eh?

jedimacfan: Tsk. How long have you been reading The Cow? Do I have to send you off to examine the dictionary definition of subtext...?

December 03, 2005 1:19 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Alright, alright... I'm slow and in my mind I've already deleted my previous comment. Is that what you wanted to hear? IS IT?

Are you happy now?

December 03, 2005 1:23 PM  
Anonymous Cissy Strutt said...

um ... it didn't occur to me for a moment that the spammer was not referring to dildoes, until I read the comments. dear oh dear - far from subtext, I took it for supertext, or mayber, in this case, supratext. (Though to what I thought the 'logos' referred, I cannot say).

December 03, 2005 1:42 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Yeah, see, the thing is, when you get dozens of these kinds of spams (and actually read them, as some insane people do), you recognize pretty quickly what they're selling. The very peculiar thing in this case is the subject "Your woman wants a replica"... The double entendre is quite obviously intentional, and in the bizarre world of Spammer Logic this is evidently cunningly clever. I'm not at all sure what you're supposed to think. "Oh, this ad is for a vibrator. Oh, no it isn't it's for a watch. Gee, that's pretty funny how they made me think that - I'll rush off and buy one right away!!"

For another example of this weird kind of obfuscation, see Nitrous Oxidation

December 03, 2005 2:10 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Oh, and before anyone asks, no Cowlex™ is not going to be manufacturing any dildoes or vibrators.

December 03, 2005 2:26 PM  
Blogger jedimacfan said...

Hey, wait a minute. Don't close up shop yet. There could be a market out there for dildos and vibrators specifically engineered for cows. You could be the first guy to manufacture these delightful dairy pleasure toys. Think of the moo-la you could make!

December 03, 2005 3:01 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

An whatevr ya do fokes, DONT get connd inta ordrin "5 or more" o them replicas. Ya may find that some a th replicas they send ya are only replicas o replicas.

December 03, 2005 3:36 PM  
Anonymous anne arkham said...

I was thinking dildos, too. I was all ready to send the link to my freakishly well-endowed friend. He says girls bug him for replicas all the time.

December 03, 2005 4:21 PM  
Blogger Joe Fuel said...

A methane powered watch. I love it.

Question, would you like me to send you our microbiology PDF lecture on rumen?

I found it incredibly interesting.

December 03, 2005 7:10 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

Cowlexâ„¢ does have a certain cachet. Plus it's bound to be more prestigious than say, a Bullova.

And I wasn't seeing replica watch, not until the "bezel" bullet. "Screw-in crown" didn't seem right but since I'm not familiar with the specifics of--

Never mind.

December 04, 2005 12:51 AM  
Anonymous Cissy Strutt said...

"Screw-in crown" seemed to me to indicate a variety of interchangeable, er, 'tops' to the device in question; a selection of, ah, 'business ends', if you will. 'Bezel', like 'logos', just made me think I knew so very very little about such, um, machines.

December 04, 2005 1:20 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

Joe: Thank you so much for your offer regarding the rumen lecture. How kind. How I would love to read about the fascin... my goodness, is that the time...?

RaJ: Bullova! Ha! Funnneeee. I hate it when my commenters are cleverer than me. But then you have unfair supernatural help.

December 04, 2005 2:44 PM  
Blogger anaglyph said...

jedimacfan: BTW I forgot to groan at your awful joke.

December 04, 2005 2:53 PM  
Blogger Joe Fuel said...

Well, I tried to keep you well-educated. Still, I understand that most people don't find the microbiology of a cow's digestive system interesting.

Your loss.

December 04, 2005 6:52 PM  
Blogger Dr. R. Murk said...

My wife swears by (and at) the replica. My crown does become worn and tarnished after a time, and she wants a nice new shiny one from time to time. The replica is the perfect stop-gap while my crown is being polished and revived.

Go with it ladies! Mrs. Murk says it's okay.

December 05, 2005 2:20 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

A replica of what?

December 17, 2005 1:14 AM  

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